SWF Seeking Serenity

Apathetic Voters for a Better Candidate

2010-11-02T22:33:00.007-04:00

Hi, my name is Anne and I'm an Apathetic Voter (Hi, Anne). I have a confession to make: I did not vote in today's election. In the 16 years since I became eligible to vote, I've probably missed a couple of minor elections because I forgot to go, but this is the first time that I deliberately chose not to go. I've just gotten so disgusted with politics and politicians that it makes me ill to think about it for too long.

I tried to convince myself to vote today, I really did. I told myself that being able to vote is not only a right but a privilege; I reminded myself how hard my foremothers fought to win me that right; I reminded myself that there are millions of people around the world who do not have that right and probably won't win the right to do so during their lifetimes. But none of these arguments were stronger than the realization that there are absolutely no politicians worth voting for! Not a single one. It seems completely worthless to me to vote when there's no one you really want to vote for. It doesn't even come down to voting for the lesser of two evils, since all the politicians on the ballot are equally bad in their own special way.

Let's face it: there isn't a single politician out there who honestly cares one iota for the "little people" like you and me. Oh, they'll tell us continuously that they do care about us and our problems, but that's only so we'll be fooled into voting for them. But when it comes right down to it, no matter what they say during the campaign, as soon as they're elected they'll pursue their own agenda. They'll vote to give themselves raises, they'll do whatever they need to do to please the corporate bigwigs who paid for their campaigns, and they'll argue endlessly with each other to avoid making any real decisions or to prevent the passage of any legislation that might actually make a difference to you or me.Is there a single politician out there who gives a damn that the State of New Hampshire screwed me out of almost $9000 in unemployment two years ago? Of course not. Is there a single politician out there who cares that I'm in debt to the U.S. government for twice as much as my annual income just so I can pursue a degree? Nope. Is there a single politician out there who cares that I am a recovering cancer patient who has no health insurance? Not at all. The only way any politician would ever care about me, my life, and my struggles would be if I was rich enough to fund his or her campaign. And frankly, until a politician comes along who honestly cares about me and my issues, I'm going to find it extremely difficult to talk myself into exercising my civic responsibility.

My name is Anne and I approve this message.

Maybe I'm Crazy

2010-03-29T23:42:00.003-04:00

I've begun to seriously worry about my mental health. There have been several times in my life when I've casually thought that I could possibly be insane, but it was a thought that was never taken seriously or pursued in any way. Recently, however, I've had more reason to take that thought seriously.

I'm currently taking a sociology course, and during the second week of the course we were going through an overview of psychology and some of the more common psychological conditions. As I was reading through the symptoms and diagnostic criteria for some of these conditions, I felt like I was looking into a mirror and seeing myself clearly for the first time in my life. Depression? Yup, there I am. Post-traumatic stress disorder? Hey, there I am again! Bipolar disorder? Certainly looks like me. Compulsive eating disorder? Wow, I'm there, too. What's happening here? Is there a really screwed-up person who looks and acts exactly like me somewhere? Yes, there is, and she's sitting right here in my chair typing these words.

How could I not know that I have so many issues? How could I not know just how screwed up I really am? My guess is that, when you're screwed up from childhood, you think that you're normal simply because you have no other benchmark to compare yourself to. And yes, I probably have had some or all of these issues since my childhood, though that may be hard for some of you who know me to believe. It seems that I learned very early in life to hide myself behind a mask of happiness and normalcy, but over the past year or so that mask has been crumbling little by little, and it's getting harder every day to hide behind it. Which is probably a good thing, as it's forcing me to deal with these issues which I have pushed aside and allowed to fester for most of my life.

Today's Youth, or Why I Fear For Our Future

2009-08-28T23:35:00.004-04:00

I don't want to put down all teenagers and make unfair generalizations about them, but unfortunately, it's very rare that I meet a teenager who doesn't say or do something that makes me cringe in fear for the future of our country. I still remember the time, a few years ago, when two air-headed teenaged girls came in to the bookstore where I used to work and asked for a certain edition of a certain Shakespearean play that they needed for school. I knew that we had sold out of it earlier that day -- whenever the local schools assigned any book we sold out of that book within a couple days -- so I informed the girls that we were out of the book but could order it and have it in the store within a week. They replied, "No, thanks, we don't really care that much about English class," and then left the store. One of my coworkers had witnessed the exchange, and she and I just looked at each other in stunned silence, but I know we were both thinking, "Did they really say that? In public? In a bookstore?" Earlier today I found another paragon of teenage common sense at the local grocery store. I had a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for an item, so I picked up 2 of the specified items and headed to the express lane. As you've probably already surmised, I work in retail and have done so for several years (more years than I really care to admit, especially to myself) and I know that, with most register systems, coupons are pretty much idiot-proof: you scan the coupon's barcode and the register adjusts the cost as required. But apparently, processing the B1G1 coupon that I had was an activity that was beyond the capabilities of the teenaged girl who rang me up. She scanned the items, she scanned the coupon, and then looked at the register (which had just beeped angrily at her) in a very confused way. She scanned the coupon again, and the register beeped at her angrily once more. Not particularly surprising, that; after all, as my former Weight Watchers group leader was fond of saying, "If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got." However, it was obvious that this girl had never heard that particular bit of advice, because she scanned the coupon again. Guess what happened this time? You're right -- the register beeped angrily at her! She gave me an exasperated look and asked, "Did you notice how much these were?" I replied, "No, I didn't, but according to that, they're 79 cents each," as I directed her attention to the monitor just behind her head, on which the items I was in the process of purchasing were itemized, along with their prices. And so now I must ask of today's teenagers: Is it really that hard to think? Is it really that hard to take notice of your surroundings and process the information presented to you without having it handed to you on a platter? If you can't handle something as simple as that, how will you be able to handle Life After High School? And what will you do when running the country becomes your responsibility? I can only hope that these three teenagers, and the countless others just like them, go off to college and get metaphorically whipped into shape by a few good teachers. Otherwise, we're all doomed.

The Great Religion Debate; or, "My imaginary friend is better than yours!"

2009-08-21T15:01:00.005-04:00

I'm a very spiritual person, but I'm not particularly religious. Some people may not realize that those terms can be mutually exclusive, but in my case they certainly are. I do believe in a higher power (or a great spirit, or a supreme being, however you may choose to anthropomorphize it), but I vehemently resist whenever other people tell me how I should worship that power/spirit/being. After all, they're not living my life, and they have no knowledge of my relationship with divinity, how can they tell me that what I'm doing is wrong? For all that, how can they know that what they're doing is right? I will worship as I choose, thank you very much, but as long as you can respect my spiritual path, I will respect yours, and we'll get along with no problems.

The issue here is the whole "respect" thing. People who follow very traditional religions seem to have a hard time understanding and respecting someone like me who pretty much does whatever I please in the name of spirituality. Perhaps I should take a moment to clarify a few things about my spiritual beliefs. I mentioned that yes, I do believe in a higher power; in my life, that power has taken the form of the Goddess, so I walk a very feminist-based, New Age kinda path. I consider myself an eclectic Pagan, mainly because there really is no better term: I pick and choose beliefs and rituals from a number of different spiritual backgrounds and somehow combine them into a system that works for me. I'm into natural healing, yoga, mehndi, meditation, and divination; I'm a witch but not a Wiccan; I've studied Kabbalah and Kahuna, and learned the sacred dances of Native Americans, West Africans, and the Middle East; I'm of European descent but I mainly work with goddesses from Egypt, India, the Caribbean and the South Pacific. Oh, and I pretty much do all this on my own, although I have been known to participate in public Pagan rituals and even occasionally attend the local Unitarian-Universalist church. That's basically what's meant by eclectic: if I run across a belief or spiritual practice that makes sense to me, it gets added to the roster and becomes part of my path.

Back when I was in my twenties, I was an angry Pagan. I had very little respect for people who followed traditional religions, even though I demanded that those same people respect my spiritual choices. I hadn't yet realized that respect is a two-way street. Fortunately for my spiritual evolution, a close friend pointed this out to me and I realized it was something I had to work on. A few years ago, I was working with a young man who was the same type of angry Pagan that I had been, and that helped me to realize even more that I didn't want to be that type of person. So I'm trying to be more respectful, and I think I've made some progress. I'm realizing that there is value in all the traditional religions, and I've come to believe that all spiritual paths lead to the same place, even if they take a different route. I've even come to believe that all the various deities, angels, elementals, etc., are simply different aspects of the same divine being, and that being chooses which face to show to each person based on what that person needs to learn in their lifetime and what they have already learned. So Buddha, Christ, Yahweh, Jehovah, Allah, Amaterasu, Isis, Tara, Sophia, Kali, Ganesha, they're all the same, they just take different forms and teach us different things. I understand this, and several people I know, who are also progressive in their spiritual beliefs, tend to agree with me on this. However, when I try to explain this to people who follow more traditional religions, they think I'm crazy, or misinformed, or blasphemous, or a poor lost sheep who needs to be saved, or an evil creature who will burn in hell for all eternity. Sometimes I wonder whether the fact that some people understand this means that those people are further along the path to enlightenment than those who don't, but then I worry that I might be letting arrogance lead me astray from the path.

One of my oldest friends, J., is a born-again Christian. We were both raised as Catholics, but as we grew up we (obviously) went in very different directions spiritually. This has caused a bit of tension in our friendship from time to time. Several years ago, when she had just been born again and I was still an angry Pagan, she tried the "I can't be friends with you anymore unless you accept Jesus as your lord and savior" tactic on me. It didn't work the way she expected it to work, as I am still a Goddess worshipper and we are still somehow friends. But it did add an uncomfortable undercurrent of wariness to our relationship: she couldn't accept or respect my spiritual choices and tended to treat me like a wayward child, and I resented the fact that she couldn't accept and respect my choices. Things settled down between us after that, mainly because of a tacit agreement to just not discuss religion and spirituality, but things came to a head a few weeks ago. Our mutual friend, E., has been going through a separation from her husband this year; J. insists that E.'s husband left her because Satan influenced him to do so, but I think that using Satan as an excuse for bad behavior is a total cop-out. Doing so allows the person to completely avoid taking responsibility for their behavior. I said that to J. one time when we were chatting about the situation, and she replied very condescendingly that I don't understand because I don't read scripture. Double, double, toil and trouble, rage burn and emotion bubble. I bit back the urge to bite off J.'s head and told her not to start that with me. I told her that just because I walk a different path than she does doesn't mean that I'm a lost soul who needs to be saved. She replied, still in that condescending tone, "That's OK, I'll pray for you." Ooh, that got me so mad! That's one of the things I hate the most, when a Christian tells you that they'll pray for you. It's one thing if you're going through a difficult time and you ask a Christian friend for help and they say that, because they truly believe that doing so will help you through. It's a very different thing, however, when you're just minding your own business and they say that, meaning that they think you're a sinner and they'll intercede with God on your behalf in an attempt to save your mortal soul from eternal damnation. So I asked J. why she thought I needed her prayers. Am I a bad person? Am I an evil person? Or am I stupid? Just because I don't follow the same spiritual path that she does? She got very flustered when I asked her that. I explained to her once again that I am walking the path that Spirit wants me to walk, and it doesn't matter whether or not she approves of my choices. She was quiet for a moment, and then she said "I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree." Hallelujah! She finally got it. We'll see if it sticks.

Repurposing (not really a word, I know, but I'm going with it.)

2009-08-14T20:59:00.005-04:00

Those of you have read my blog in the past have probably noticed that it now has a new title and purpose. I want you all to know that I am not giving up on my weight loss and fitness goals (even though I have gotten severely sidetracked over the past few months), I just felt the need to expand my blog so I can write about more than just my weight loss and fitness goals (especially as it's been very difficult to write about those during this period of being sidetracked). On top of being sidetracked by school, work, and general stress, I've recently realized that my weight issues (as well as a few other psychological and emotional issues) are a direct result of trauma that I suffered as a child but never properly dealt with, and in order successfully reach my weight loss goals, I will need to first deal with and heal from that trauma. No, I will not go into detail about it here (I don't want this to degenerate into some sort of "I'm a victim, pity me" thing), and please don't ask me about it -- those who I want to know about it have already been told. I'm not giving up on my weight loss goals, I'm just approaching the situation from a different direction right now.

I feel that the true purpose of all people on earth is to seek spiritual enlightenment, and I think the best way to do so is to improve yourself. I have been working on improving myself for several years now, and I feel that I have made some progress, but I recognize the fact that I am an imperfect person and I do stumble... a lot. I get lazy, I get arrogant, and sometimes I not only stumble off the path to enlightenment, I get stuck in the mud beside the path and wallow for weeks or months at a time. But I try, and that's the important thing. I thought that repurposing my blog would allow me to write about my experiences (good and bad) on the road to enlightenment, and that writing about things that happen to me might help me to understand, life better, or at the very least, allow me to blow off steam and move on from upsetting situations. And maybe, just maybe, we'll all have a little fun along the way.

Surprise! I'm Still Here!

2009-04-25T16:00:00.005-04:00

Wow, has it really been over a month since I last posted? Yes, indeed. Let's see, what's been happening? Well, during the last 2 weeks of March I managed to gain back a bunch of what I had lost. If you remember, when I last posted I had hit 43 lbs., but when I got weighed and measured at the beginning of April I had slipped back to 29 lbs. Yikes! I guess I gave in to far too many of my cravings. I've been more mindful of what I'm eating since then (getting violently ill and being unable to keep food down for a number of days last week certainly helped with that) so I've managed to re-lose about half of what I had regained. As of today, I'm at 369 lbs, 36 lbs. from where I started. I hope to be back to 43 lbs. by the beginning of May, and I promise I will post measurements and a picture then (at this point, I'm not going to bother with measurements and a picture for this month.) My goals right now are to track what I'm eating on a daily basis and to exercise daily, whether it's going to Curves, taking a walk, or doing yoga. What else is going on my life? Well, I started back to college ten days ago. I'm doing online classes through Kaplan University to get my Bachelor's in Nutrition Studies (which fulfills 2 of my 101 Things.) It feels a little strange to be back in school after 13 years, even stranger to not actually be going to a classroom, just sitting in front of my computer, but I'm sure I'll get used to it soon enough. I think my nutrition classes will help to make me even more mindful of what I'm eating, and I ultimately want to use my knowledge and experience to help other people lose weight and get healthy. So that's where I am right now. I will try to blog more regularly, even though I'm busy with classes. But doon't worry too much if you don't see regular updates, ok? I'm not giving up.

Finally Back!

2009-03-12T23:34:00.005-04:00

Yes, I have been remiss in my updating duties. I blame Facebook. But here are my results as of last Thursday, March 5:

Weight: 366 lbs, for a total loss (TL) of 39 lbs (I weighed in again on Wednesday March 11 at 362 lbs, bringing my TL to 43 lbs.)

Bust: 57.75 inches, TL 2.75 inches

Waist: 57.5 inches, TL 3 inches

Abdomen: 61.5 inches, TL 3 inches

Hips: 61.25 inches, TL 3.25 inches

Thigh: 31 inches, TL 1.5 inches

Upper Arm: 17 inches, TL 1 inch

BMI: 55.7 points, TL 5.9 points

I'm very glad that the plateau has broken. I know plateaus happen, but they can be very frustrating (and not very exciting to blog about.)

I've been working on some of my 101 Things in 1001 Days goals. So far I've fulfilled wishlist requests for 6 people on Bookcrossing, so that puts me ahead of my goal for the year (I'll probably try to fulfill a few more once I have a job -- mailing books can get expensive.) While we're on the subject of books, I finished updating my To Be Read shelf on Goodreads, and I own 185 non-bookgroup books that I haven't yet read. I've decided that I want to get at least 90% of these books off the To Be Read shelf by the end of the 1001 Days, instead of just 75% as I had originally set. Will I read every last page of every book? Not necessarily, especially when you consider the fact that many of these books were acquired 8-10 years ago when my reading tastes were somewhat different than they are today. So I'm going to follow Nancy Pearl's guidelines and read the first 50 pages of each book. If, after 50 pages, the book is not holding my interest, I'll set it aside and move on. With these guidelines, I should have no problem getting through all my unread books.

101 Things in 1001 Days and First Update

2009-02-17T22:40:00.009-05:00

This is something that I discovered through my friend the Angry Redhead's blog (she stole it from our mutual friend the Stitch Witch) and I thought it was a great idea, so I decided to make a list as well. The basic premise is that you make a list of 101 goals you want to accomplish in 1001 days (approx. 2.75 years); it's kind of like making a list of New Year's resolutions, except that 1. you should be specific both in the wording of your goals and the steps you plan to take to meet them, 2. you actually make an attempt to meet these goals, and 3. you can start a list anytime you want. Now, I know that this isn't necessarily related to weight loss, but it is all about self-improvement, so I figured I may as well post the list and updates here. So here it is:

Start Date: Feb. 14, 2009
End Date: Nov. 12, 2011
Updated info in purple.

1. Get a car and get it registered. This goal may be fulfilled before I post this online (maybe even before I complete this list) but I’m listing it anyway as it’s my most important goal right now. Done! Car was purchased on 2/14/09 and registered on 2/17/09.

2. Get a job. I’d like to be idealistic and say “Get a job I love that pays well and has great benefits” but I need to be a bit more realistic right now. I've been unemployed for over 10 months now – I need to just find a job so I can get some money coming in. After I have something I can think about upgrading to something better as necessary. Side goal: update my Monster profile.

3. Go through the books I own and update my “To Be Read” shelf on Goodreads to reflect all the books I own that I have yet to read. Have at least 75% of these books read by the end date. Books that I need to read for my book group do not count toward this total, nor do books acquired and read after the shelf is updated. Shelf has been updated (185 books total), and goal has been changed somewhat: My goal is now to clear at least 90% of the books from the shelf. I don't have to read the entire book if I'm not enjoying it, but I will read at least 50 pages before deciding whether to continue with the book or drop it and move on to the next.

4. Stop buying so many books. Until my “To Be Read” shelf has decreased by 50%, institute a rule that I may not buy a book until I've read at least 5 books that I already own. Books that I need for my book group will be exempt from this rule.

5. Complete the Artist’s Way program that I started a few weeks ago but let slide over the past week.

6. Once I have completed the Artist’s Way, do the Right to Write program.

7. Continue with my healthy eating program and strive to reach my ultimate goal of losing 245 lbs by the end of the 1001 days. Only 205 lbs to go!

8. Get back into the habit of going to Curves 3 times a week.

9. Get back into the habit of doing yoga at least 3 times a week, aiming to increase my flexibility to the point where I can easily do flow yoga. Strive to be able to master Cyndi Lee’s OM Yoga DVD by the end of the 1001 days.

10. When the weather is good, go for regular walks of at least 1 mile. Build stamina by gradually increasing the length of my walks over time.

11. Finally learn to speak Hawaiian. I know there’s not much practical use for this, but it’s something I've wanted to learn for a number of years. I already have the language CDs, dictionary, and grammar books, I just need to put them to use.

12. Find out how one becomes a dietician/nutritionist. I had some nutrition courses as part of my program in culinary school, and I've certainly learned a great deal over the past few months as I've lost weight. I don’t yet know whether this is something I’d want to make a career out of, but it certainly wouldn't hurt to get more information. I can use my sister’s friend Andrea as a resource on this goal. Progressing -- I have gotten info from Kaplan University about their online Bachelor's Degree program in Nutrition Science. If I can get enough federal aid, I will be doing the program.

13. Find out how one gets certified as a yoga instructor. As with #12, I’m not sure if I’d like to make a career out of this, but it wouldn't hurt to get the information.

14. Fire walk. Give myself the opportunity that I missed out on a few years ago due to rain. Research whether there are people in this area who provide this service, find out whether they provide the venue or if I would have to provide it (pray they have their own space as I doubt Daddy would allow me to build a fire pit in the back yard.)

15. Finish the scrapbook I started 3 years ago for the vacation I took 9 years ago.

16. Finish the 3 cross-stitch projects that I started last year.

17. Learn how to sew buttonholes. Enlist Erica’s expertise on this.

18. Once #17 has been accomplished, use my new skills to finish the throw pillow that I started last year. Also make the runner for my console table for which O bought the fabric last year but never got around to making.

19. Take a trip somewhere with Ericka.

20. Take a trip somewhere with Barbara.

21. Take a trip somewhere all alone.

22. Get my passport.

23. Attend the Bookcrossing Convention in Amsterdam in 2010.

24. Attend the Travel Channel Academy digital travel filmmaking course. Consider attending a session in a city I've never been to before (although NYC is always a great destination.)

25. Get my own laptop so I can stop using Ma’s. Do plenty of research before buying to make sure I get one that properly meets my needs.

26. Upgrade my current iPod to one with significantly more memory. Gerald has been a wonderful companion for the past 3 years, but 30 GB just isn't doing it for me anymore (I seem to have become a technoslut!)

27. Listen to at least one podcast episode per day until I am caught up with all my podcasts. Once caught up, stay caught up; also look into other podcasts that may be of interest to me at that time.

28. Get over my fear of singing in public. I’m not quite sure how to go about this without doing karaoke on a regular basis, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out. Maybe I should start by singing in the shower when I know other people are in the house.

29. Try Thai massage. If I like it, and if my income permits once I find a job, set up regular appointments.

30. Treat myself to another Watsu session. This will probably have to happen on one of my trips as I have yet to find a spa in the area that offers it.

31. Learn to follow through on my ideas, especially my business ideas. I will devote a notebook to these ideas where I will write the ideas and then record all the research I do into the idea. Once I research the ideas, I will take steps towards implementing them.

32. Do some general research into forming and running my own company, such as registering a business name, setting up a business account, and writing business plans and proposals.

33. Grant at least 5 wishlist requests per year on Bookcrossing. Goal has been reached (exceeded, actually) for 2009.

34. Host a challenge on Bookcrossing.

35. Frame and hang some of my grandmother’s paintings which have been languishing in the closet for the past 11 years.

36. Pull my box of Erte collector plates out of the closet and figure out which ones will look best in the guest bedroom. Buy some plateholders and wall hooks and hang the plates up.

37. Figure out why the TV and DVD player upstairs have suddenly decided not to play nice anymore. Fix the problem once I've figured it out.

38. Figure out how to hook up the VCR to the new TV downstairs and then do it. Buy any needed cables to complete the project.

39. Either get a camera phone or start carrying my camera with me so I can take more pictures. Done! After my father ran over his Palm Pilot with his van, he upgraded to a Blackberry and gave me his old phone. Date completed: 2/16/09.

40. Look into how much it would cost to replace the carpet in my bedroom. If the cost is reasonable, do it.

41. Do some research into my travelogue ideas (which I won’t mention here as I want to keep them secret.)

42. Go play mini-golf at least once a year.

43. Get my last loan paid off.

44. Start an ING Direct account. Contribute to it regularly.

45. Invest some money into a CD. When the term of the CD ends, roll that money into a new CD. Repeat.

46. Create a regular spiritual practice.

47. Journal on a daily basis. Blog at least once a week.

48. See a Reduced Shakespeare Company show live.

49. Learn to Rollerblade once I've lost enough weight to do so safely.

50. Learn how to manage my time more effectively so I won’t be chronically late anymore.

51. Take at least one step towards my goal of hosting my own women’s festival by doing research into locations/venues, costs, liabilities/insurance, and other practical considerations; also brainstorm/research activities, artists, vendors, etc., to have at the festival.

52. Reconnect with friends from high school and college with whom I've lost touch. Progressing, thanks to Facebook.

53. Donate my excess stuffed animals and coloring books to the children’s section of the hospital.

54. Donate blood more often. Look into the possibility of donating platelets.

55. Improve my sewing skills. Consider taking a class; perhaps convince Erica to tutor me.

56. Design and construct a winged cape and headdress so my Bast costume can do double duty as an Isis costume.

57. Come up with a design for a Kali costume. Do not begin construction until all craft projects previously listed have been completed. Feel free to begin sourcing materials.

58. Learn archery.

59. Go through my desk and the big plastic bin that’s been sitting on the floor of the library for the past 2 years. Discard or donate (as appropriate) items I no longer use or need. Once purge is complete, put the items from the bin into the newly-created space in the desk. If there are items that don’t fit in the desk, find appropriate homes for them elsewhere. Store plastic bin in an out-of-the-way place until needed for something else.

60. Organize and host a fundraiser for a charity. The fundraiser doesn't have to be a big, complicated affair, it can be something as simple as a bake sale, neighborhood yard sale, or craft fair. Just pick a worthwhile charity and go for it.

61. Take day trips into Boston at least twice a year when the weather is nice – once in the spring and once in the fall would be ideal. Visit the MFA, the Gardner Museum, the Museum of Science, the NE Aquarium, the Arnold Arboretum, or any other places that strike my fancy.

62. Visit the library in my town at least once to check it out (I've lived here for 15 years and never been.) If I like it, make a point to go regularly.

63. Visit the bead shop I recently discovered on Rt. 111 in Hudson.

64. See at least once “arty” film per year at the Wilton Town Hall Theater.

65. Organize a craft supply swap, where crafters can trade their unused craft supplies with other crafters. This could also be done as a drive with craft supplies being donated to a school or other youth organization.

66. Discover which museum houses the Venus of Willendorf. Income permitting, take a trip to the museum to pay homage. It's housed in the Naturhistorisches Museum in Vienna. I could possibly combine this with #23 if there is rail service from Amsterdam to Vienna.

67. Same as #66 with the artwork in question being The Dinner Party by Judy Chicago.

68. Start learning another language, other than Hawaiian, that actually does have practical applications in the modern world. Possibilities include Italian, French, Portuguese, Spanish, or German.

69. Try Barbara’s secret flan recipe. See if I end up with actual flan and not just cream of flan soup.

70. Finally return Barbra P.’s beads to her. Mail them to her c/o her church if necessary.

71. Play around with watercolors sometime and see what I can create. Make bookmarks out of the results and offer them free to Bookcrossers.

72. Find out if Terry Pratchett will be doing a U.S. book tour when his next book is released. If he is, find out when and where he’ll be appearing and attend at least one of his signings. If he won’t be touring, pick another author of interest and go to a signing.

73. Find out whether the light fixture currently in my bedroom is properly wired to support a ceiling fan. If it is, purchase and install a ceiling fan that will match my décor. If it isn't, get a new fixture that will accept energy-saving bulbs.

74. Buy an Isabella Fiore handbag. Try to track down the Gypsy Fortuneteller or What’s My Sign? Libra designs on ebay.

75. Work on the purple lotus design that I want for my tattoo. Get the tattoo when I reach my goal weight.

76. Seriously consider going back to college, either to get certified as a dietician/nutritionist, or to get a degree in another field. Possible fields include business, marketing, and broadcasting. Even if I don’t go for another degree, taking some basic business courses would probably be a good idea. Request catalogs and enrollment info from colleges in the area; also look into online colleges. Progressing -- see #12.

77. Mail a secret in to PostSecret. Done, and I may do another one.

78. Find out how one goes about registering patents, trademarking images, and copyrighting written works. Find out if one can patent a product for which one only has an idea (as opposed to having an actual product or a design for a product.)

79. File my personal papers at least once a month. Go through my personal files at least once a year and shred all papers that are no longer needed.

80. Expand my knowledge of crochet to include bead crochet and thread crochet. Learn to make doilies and snowflakes.

81. Compile a list of travel tips gleaned from my own travel experiences and from other sources such as travel books (guides and memoirs) and travel shows (TV, radio, or podcasts.) Computerize the list and organize by subject.

82. Re: #81, consider starting another blog or registering and creating a website for these tips so that others may benefit from my research.

83. Once I have a steady source of income, work out a budget. Figure out how much I spend monthly on necessities (gas, car insurance, Curves membership), figure in a small but reasonable weekly allowance, and divide the rest of my income between paying off my last loan and investing in high-yield savings.

84. Research government grants and find out if there any for which I qualify. Apply for the grant(s) if I qualify.

85. Find out what my credit score is and take steps to improve it as necessary. Check my credit reports regularly (yearly at the very least.)

86. Make some new playlists on my iPod. Try to use songs that aren't played as often.

87. Do something fun at least once a week. This could be anything from going to a comedy club, to going to an arcade and blowing $10 on playing pinball, to playing board or card games with friends.

88. Go to a water park once I've reached my goal weight. I've always wanted to do this but have always felt too self-conscious about how I look in a bathing suit.

89. Expand my wine horizons in one or more of the following ways: go to a wine tasting event; once a month, buy a bottle of wine of a type I've never tried and share it with someone; visit a vineyard. Whatever I do, I will keep a log book of which wines I try and what I think of them.

90. Get a PDA of some sort (or learn to use the organizer functions on my phone.) Consider upgrading to a Blackberry or iPhone for that all-in-one convenience.

91. Have at least one yard sale during this time.

92. Go to Fenway Park. Ideally to see a Red Sox game, but at least take the tour if I can’t make it to a game.

93. Go to a day spa at least once and treat myself to the full package: manicure, pedicure, facial, and massage.

94. Have lunch at Pickity Place at least once a year.

95. At least twice a year, go to a restaurant that I’ve never been to. If I like it, post a review on Google, Yahoo, and other such sites.

96. Become more aware of what’s going on in the world by reading more than just the comics page in the daily newspaper and by regularly checking news online.

97. Find some good recipes for low-sugar jams. Make low-sugar strawberry and mixed berry jams every summer.

98. Learn to be more tolerant of people who have views/opinions/beliefs that are different from mine, esp. religious/spiritual.

99. Dance more. Make use of the dance fitness videos & DVDs that I already have, and also consider taking a class in hula, bellydance, or some other type of ethnic dance.

100. Get together with friends more often.

101. At the end of 1001 days, review list to pinpoint any unattained goals. Assess whether those goals still fit my lifestyle. If they do, roll them onto my next list of 101 things. If they don’t, either rewrite them to fit my lifestyle and add them to the next list, or discard them completely. Write up a new list and start again.

As you can see, I've already completed a couple of my goals. I will continue to update as more goals are completed. For more info, check out the Day Zero website.

Plateaus and Chocolate

2009-02-13T20:17:00.003-05:00

I know it's been over a week since I last posted (in fact, it's been 10 days) and I had originally promised to post weekly at least. But I seem to have hit a plateau immediately after reaching my 40 lb goal, and it's pretty boring to blog about not losing and not gaining. I'm not too worried about hitting a plateau, they happen whenever you try to lose a large amount of weight and I was prepared to hit one eventually. Everything will be fine as long as the plateau doesn't last too long, and as long as I continue to eat right and exercise it shouldn't last long at all.

I wanted to talk a little bit about chocolate. Valentine's Day is tomorrow (not that that really means much to little-old-perpetually-single me) and I'm sitting here alternatively blogging and watching an episode of Modern Marvels all about the history and production of chocolate. I have always been a big fan of chocolate, and even though I am very serious about eating better and losing weight, I have no intention of giving up chocolate. I don't think there's any need to give chocolate up completely in order to live a healthy lifestyle, you just need to be smarter about which chocolate you eat and how often. First of all, if you're going to eat chocolate (and this goes for regular people as well as people who are trying to lose weight) you should eat good chocolate. Low-quality chocolate will usually have more sugar than high-quality chocolate, and may also contain more artificial ingredients, all of which adds up to chocolate that just won't taste that great. Yes, really good high-quality chocolate will cost more than your typical supermarket-checkout-line candy bar, but trust me, the cost will be worth it. Why? Because when you have good chocolate, you won't have to eat as much to be satisfied. No, really, you won't. I bought a $4 bar of Green&Black's Organic 70% chocolate a couple weeks ago. According to the label, the bar was 2.5 servings of chocolate, but I made that bad boy last all week because I had less than half a serving each time I had some. I could've bought a Hershey bar for less than $1, but I would've eaten the whole bar and had nothing left over for later. Second, if you are trying to lose weight, you should eat mainly dark chocolate, solid (as in unfilled) preferred. You don't need high-sugar fillings adding carbs and calories and distracting your taste buds from the chocolate. Choose dark chocolate with a cacao content of at least 60%. These days, you can find eating bars with cacao content up to 90% (anything over 90% won't contain enough sugar and should be used strictly for baking) so what you choose will depend on your personal taste. If you usually eat milk or white chocolate, you'll probably want to start with 60% cacao chocolate and go up from there. Personally, I usually aim for 65%-75% cacao content; more than 75% is too bitter for my taste. The best way to figure out what you like is to try different brands and different cacao content levels. You could even have some fun with it and get some friends together for a chocolate tasting. My personal favorite is Ghirardelli, but I also found a great product made by Dove called CocoaVia. I found it in the health food aisle of the grocery store. They're little 100 calorie dark chocolate bars that come in a box of 5 (they have a couple other varieties, but this is the only one I've tried) so you can have a little bit of creamy dark chocolate whenever you need it. Which brings me to my last point: how much and how often you eat chocolate is just as important as which chocolate you eat. Having a large portion of chocolate every single day is simply not conducive to good health. Having a little bit of chocolate a few times a week is a smart way to satisfy cravings while still following a healthy eating plan. Yes, you can eat chocolate while losing weight and eating healthy. Just be smart about it.

Goal!

2009-02-03T20:44:00.003-05:00

To your left, you see a woman who has lost 40 lbs. Woohoo! If you remember, this was the first goal I set for myself as it was approximately 10% of my starting weight. Reaching this goal is significant in a couple other ways as well. Firstly, I am now at the weight I was 12 years ago when I started Weight Watchers. Secondly, and more significantly, this is the most weight I've ever lost at any one time. When I was on Weight Watchers all those years ago, the most weight I ever lost was 33 lbs. When I first joined Curves in 2006, by exercising regularly I was able to lose 25 lbs. without dieting at all. However, each time, I would lose my focus and regain the weight. One of my fears when I started my program in September is that the same thing would happen, but the fact that I've been able to get this far proves to me that I can do this, plus it motivates me to go even further.

So here's where I am now:

Weight: 365, total loss (TL) 40 lbs.

Bust: 57.75 inches, TL 2.75 inches

Waist: 57.75 inches, TL 2.75 inches

Abdomen: 62 inches, TL 2.5 inches

Hips: 61.5 inches, TL 3 inches

Thigh: 31.5 inches, TL 1 inch

Upper Arm: 16.25 inches, TL 1.75 inches

BMI: 55.5 points, TL 6.1 points

Imagine how much better my results will get once I get another car and can get to Curves more than once a week!

Let's Get Ready to Yoga!

2009-01-22T21:54:00.003-05:00

First, the update: I weighed in today at 371 lbs, which puts me at 34 lbs, which is 2.5 lbs up from where I was last week. I'm not too surprised, nor am I too concerned, as the gain results from being sick. We had a round of stomach flu hit our house early this week, and all I wanted to do was rest and eat toast. Now that I'm feeling better, I'll get back to being more active and eating better. And now, here it is, as promised, my guide to yoga products for the beginner.

I think yoga is a great form of exercise, especially for people who are somewhat out of shape, because you can start slow, go at your own pace, and modify the poses to suit your body type and level of flexibility. Yoga increases strength, stamina, flexibility, and balance, and I find it an enjoyable form of exercise (and I am easily bored by most forms of exercise.) So, how does one get started? Well, the first thing you need is a yoga mat. Since yoga is practiced barefoot, the yoga mat gives cushioning and, more importantly, traction to the practitioner (after all, you don't want your feet to fly out from under you when you're balanced in triangle pose.) Yoga mats come in a standard size, usually 2 feet wide by 5.5 feet long, but you can get them in almost any color, and even in patterns. You can also find longer, wider, or thicker mats, even antimicrobial mats, if you feel you have a need for one. In most cases, the standard mat will do. If you're going to travel with your mat, such as to a class or on vacation, you may want to invest in a mat bag or a harness strap for carrying. Other props that I recommend for beginners are a strap, a small blanket or bath-size towel, and a brick or block. The strap and the brick or block are helpful for modifying poses, and the blanket or towel can be folded and used for extra cushioning under the knees for kneeling poses. You can sometimes find starter kits that have a mat, a strap, and a block or set of blocks, or you can purchase items separately. You could also improvise props from items around the house: an old necktie or belt could be a strap, a small, sturdy box could be used as a block. I'll put some links to various sites that sell yoga supplies at the end of this post.

Now that you have your mat and props, you need a workout to follow. Here are some of my favorites:
Yoga Journal's Yoga for Beginners featuring Patricia Walden. This is a great dvd to start with. Patricia Walden takes you through a number of basic standing poses, some bends, and some seated poses, and also shows you some modifications to the poses. She takes you through the poses slowly and gives you time to learn each pose correctly, which is an important first step, especially if you intend to eventually move on to flow yoga. I have this on VHS, and I understand that the dvd has more content, so I may have to upgrade soon. I also noticed that there's a companion dvd, Yoga Journal's Yoga for Beginners II, that focuses more on seated poses and twists. I might have to check that one out.
Yoga Conditioning for Weight Loss featuring Suzanne Deason. This has been my workout of choice lately. It's a longer workout -- I think it's about 45 minutes in all -- that's broken into 3 parts. The warm-up focuses on establishing a breath-body connection through seated twists, a standing sun-salutation-type sequence, and some kneeling poses. The main section consists of a number of standing poses and bends, and she has you stay in the poses for a long time. The final section is mostly floor poses and more seated twists. One of the things I really like about this workout is that there are 4 people on the screen: Suzanne Deason does the full poses, but she has 3 other people demonstrating modified poses for people of different fitness levels. One thing to remember with this workout is to only do what you feel you can do. If you can't do all the poses at first, or if you can't stay in them as long as the instructor does, do what you can and gradually work up.
Yoga: Just My Size with Megan Garcia, and MegaYoga by Megan Garcia. Megan Garcia is a plus-size model and yoga instructor who saw the need for modifying yoga poses to suit larger bodies. This dvd and book are the result. The dvd workout takes you slowly through a number of poses and then repeats the sequence a little faster; it also allows you to go directly to each pose, the warm-up, or cool-down from the main menu and access modifications to the poses. The book features even more poses with modifications, and has recommended pose combinations for 30-, 60-, and 90-minute workouts. These products are great resources for plus-size yoga practitioners.
Yoga for Back Care featuring Rodney Yee. As a plus-size person, I am prone to lower back pain, but I find that doing this workout always helps. Rodney Yee takes you through a gentle workout focusing on stretches, using a chair and strap to modify poses.

One last thing: whenever you get a new workout dvd, I recommend that you watch it once before you try it to familiarize yourself with the workout sequence. That way you'll know which props you may need and when. and remember, never try to do more than you're ready to do.

Yoga product sites:
http://www.yogaaccessories.com/
http://www.gaiam.com/
http://www.barefootyoga.com/
http://www.wailana.com/
http://www.everythingyoga.com/
http://www.yogamatsplus.com/
and, of course, Amazon.com.

And no, I'm not getting paid by anyone to mention these products or sites.

Trying to Beat the Winter Blahs

2009-01-16T21:13:00.004-05:00

I hate winter. When I was a kid, a snowstorm meant getting the day off from school and playing all day in the snow, so of course I loved winter back then. Now that I'm an adult, however, a snowstorm means having to clear the cars and driveway, as well as driving to work in crappy conditions (at least, it did when I had a car to drive and a job to drive to.) Even when it's not snowing, you have ice, wind, and severe cold to deal with, not to mention the lack of sunlight, all of which leaves me feeling generally apathetic. Some days, the only thing that persuades me to leave the warm, comfy cocoon of my bed is the call of nature. This winter, I'm trying my best to not slip too deep into the winter blahs. Eating a healthier diet is helping, as it's giving me more energy; making sure I exercise regularly also helps. If the weather's too crappy to get out to Curves, then I'll do yoga at home (I'll rate some of my favorite yoga products in an upcoming post.) But what's really keeping me motivated is seeing my continued progress: as of this past Tuesday, I'm at 368.5 lbs, a total loss of 36.5 lbs! Woohoo!

It's a New Year, It's a New Day, It's a New Life...

2009-01-06T21:13:00.009-05:00

and I'm feeling pretty damn good! (Apologies to Nina Simone.) I did gain a bit of weight over the holidays, probably about 10 lbs., but I've taken off most of what I gained. Here's where I am now:

Weight: 373 lbs, for a total loss (TL) of 32 lbs.

Bust: 55.5 inches, TL 5 inches.

Waist: 59 inches, TL 1.5 inches.

Abdomen: 63 inches, TL 1.5 inches.

Hips: 63.5 inches, TL 1 inch.

Thigh: 31 inches, TL 1.5 inches.
Upper Arm: 17 inches, TL 1 inch.

BMI: 56.7 points, TL 4.9 points.

I was looking in the mirror earlier this evening and trying to figure out whether I could see the difference now that I've lost over 30 lbs. I could see it in my face a little but that was just about it. Then, as I was uploading this month's photo, I happened to see it next to my start photo. Wow, what a difference! I know I'm still a long way from my ultimate goal, but it's good to see progress on the way. It helps to keep me motivated.

Christmas is Coming, the Goose Is Getting Fat...

2008-12-21T21:14:00.003-05:00

but I'm not! I know it's not Tuesday yet, but I weighed in this morning at 370 lbs. That's a total loss of 35 lbs! I was so excited I just had to share. To be honest, I was a little surprised that I had lost 5 lbs over the past week. It's not that I've been "bad" per se, but with the weather being uncooperative and having no car (my car was killed by two trees during the ice storm last week) I haven't gone out to exercise in over a week now. I've also been indulging in a nightly cup of cocoa (good stuff, not sugar-free, although I've been making it with skim milk) and having a couple cookies with my cocoa (we're baking with whole wheat flour this year.) As far as Christmas Eve and Christmas Day go, I'm planning to enjoy myself and eat what I want. However, we are trying to plan a healthy menu, and we are drastically cutting down on the amount of baking we're doing this year so we don't end up with several weeks' worth of cookies to eat. So it won't be as bad as it could be.

Happy holidays, everyone!

'Tis the Season to Get Really Stressed

2008-12-16T19:00:00.003-05:00

My holiday season started out well. Despite having been out of work since April, I was able to get or make holiday gifts for my immediate family and closest friends. Maybe not as many as in the past or as extravagant, but nice gifts nonetheless. Being laid off from my previous job in retail has meant that I haven't had to fight my way through the holiday traffic or deal with all the surly holiday shoppers who blame you when the gift they have to get Uncle Bubba or Cousin Lurlene is sold out everywhere. I was also generally able to avoid the malls by doing most of my shopping online. As of last week, my shopping was done, my gifts were all wrapped, all that was left was some decorating and cooking for get-togethers. Just when I thought I'd have a relatively stress-free holiday season, Mother Nature had to step in and mix things up a bit. We had an ice storm this past Thursday night into Friday morning that brought down 7 or 8 trees in our yard, two of which landed on my car. I'm still waiting to for the damage appraisal from the shop and praying that the car is fixable, as I cannot afford to buy a new car right now if my baby is declared totaled. We've also been without power for 5 days with no idea when it will come back on. We do have a generator, so we have heat, the ability to cook using one burner at a time, and limited running water. There was no damage to the house and no one in my family was hurt, and I'm thankful for that. The diet challenges I'm facing right now in relation to this situation are: 1. Trying to cook and eat healthy meals when my ability to cook is hampered by power limitations (we're either making one-pot meals or eating meals in courses, cooking the second course as we eat the first.); 2. Trying not to let the stress of the situation result in emotional eating, which has always been a problem for me in the past. I must be doing something right, though: I weighed in this morning at 375 lbs, 1 pound less than last week, for a total loss of 30 lbs. Although, after all this stress, I think I deserve a drink!

Quick Update (Because I'm Tired) and Christmas Cookies

2008-12-09T21:49:00.003-05:00

Why am I so tired? From cleaning the house, putting up lights and decorations outside, and painting the upstairs bathroom for the second time this year (Mom and I repainted in May to cover the holes Dad accidentally made in the wall, but the paint, which was supposed to be rust-colored, actually showed orange on the wall. We lived with it for 6 months, and then Mom decided she'd had enough. It's peach now.) My knees have been really sore all week. But I guess it was really good exercise, because I weighed in today at 376 lbs. That's 10 lbs down from where I was last week, for a total loss of 29 lbs. Yahoo!

Christmas in my family is a pretty low-key affair. We used to have anywhere between 12 and 20 people at our house for dinner, but the past few years it's just been my immediate family. Since all 5 of us are now dieting, we're not going to do much baking this year, but I was able to get a virtual cookie fix by watching a bunch of holiday cooking specials on the Food Network. I'm not going to completely give up cookies this Christmas, but I'll try to be more sensible about them.

Getting Back on Track and Rethinking Motivation

2008-12-04T15:57:00.008-05:00

It's time once again for the monthly measurement update. I looked back at the previous updates recently and realized that the way I was typing it in ended up looking rather confusing once the update was posted, so from now on I'm only going to post the total difference for each measurement and ignore the start and current measurements. This is not due to some sudden sense of shame about my measurements, just an attempt to make my blog posts easier to read (it would be so much easier if I could just copy and paste the Excel spreadsheet I created to keep track of my progress.) So here's where I stand now:

Weight: total loss (tl) 19 lbs (up a few lbs, mostly due to Thanksgiving.)

Bust: tl 2.75 inches
Waist: tl 1.5 inches
Abdomen: tl 1.5 inches
Hips: tl 1.5 inches
Thigh: tl 0.25 inches (this measurement has gone up since last month because the staff at Curves has started measuring at a higher, and therefore wider, part of the thigh.)
Upper Arm: tl 0.5 inches
BMI: tl 2.9 points (this is also up since last month, simply because my weight went back up as well.)

I went through most of November with a feeling of apathy, and that apathy bled over into my weight loss, giving me that "honeymoon's over" feeling which always sets in at some time when I diet. I started missing certain foods and eating more of the "allowed" foods to compensate. I also allowed myself to exercise less, making excuses about being too busy or too tired or not feeling well. However, one good thing I did was to start listening to the Inside Out Weight Loss podcast presented by Renee Stephens. I've only listened to the first couple episodes so far, but I think it's already helping. The first few episodes focus on motivation, and she breaks motivation down into two types: away-from motivation and towards motivation. I've rethought and expanded on the reasons why I'm doing this and what I want to achieve.

What am I trying to get away from by losing weight?

1. Bad habits related to food, such as eating late at night, eating more than I need, secret eating (hiding junk food and eating it when there's no one else to see me), emotional eating (eating because I'm happy, or depressed, or angry, or anxious, or bored; basically eating for any reason other than hunger.)

2. The general difficulties associated with being a large person, such as finding clothing that fits properly, not being sure whether the seat belt in someone's car will fit me, climbing stairs, standing and/or walking for any length of time, fitting into non-handicapped public toilet stalls, getting up from sitting on the floor or on a low seat, getting into and out of smaller cars and the backseats of most cars, especially 2-door cars, and not being able to fit into airplane seats, theater seats, booths at restaurants, and most chairs with arms, especially plastic chairs.

3. The embarrassment associated with several of the items in #2.

4. Loneliness: being perpetually single doesn't bother me most of the time, but I do get lonely sometimes and most guys aren't interested in dating and getting intimate with a woman my size.

5. Ostracism: I usually don't let other people's opinions about my size bother me, but sometimes the derisive laughter and cruel comments made by ignorant jerks can be hurtful.

6. Visibility: sometimes I feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me due to my weight, especially when I'm at a pool or the beach.

7. Invisibility: sometimes I feel practically invisible despite my size, such as when I'm at a party where, even though I'm dressed as nicely as everyone else, I still get snubbed because of my weight. I can't tell you how many times this has happened: a man and I are approaching the same door, he reaches it before I do but goes through ahead of me without bothering to hold the door for me. Maybe these guys are jerks to everybody, but I'm sure at least some of them would've held the door for a skinny woman. Another time, I was leaving a store and was in the crosswalk outside. Some jerk in a van pulled into the crosswalk right in front of me, blocking my progress, and stopped to let someone else cross (this other person wasn't even close to the crosswalk at the time), forcing me to go around.

What do I want to move towards by losing weight?

1. I would like to cultivate a healthy relationship with food.

2. I would like to be able to travel more, and more easily.

3. I would like to have more options for buying clothes. I think there are lots more great options for plus-size clothing now than there were five years ago, but there are also lots of great clothes out there that don't come in plus sizes.

4. I would like to be more confident.

Why is it so much easier to figure out what you don't want than what you do want?

Thanksgiving Dietbusters and Better Choices

2008-11-29T21:38:00.004-05:00

My, how out-of-touch I've been lately! I've been allowing myself to be lazy: I haven't gone to Curves at all this month and I'm not keeping track of what I'm eating very well. Add to that the food fest that is Thanksgiving, and it's no surprise that I'm back up to 384 lbs. Why do so many holidays revolve around food? Chocolate on Valentine's Day, corned beef and cabbage on St. Patrick's Day, cookouts on Memorial Day, Independence Day, and Labor Day, more chocolate on Halloween, and, of course, turkey with all the trimmings on Thanksgiving. This year, we tried to create a healthier Thanksgiving dinner, since my entire immediate family is now dieting. The turkey is fine, as are the veggies (we had asparagus and beets), but the stuffing and potatoes can be dietbusters when prepared in the traditional way. This year, we made our stuffing from high-fiber wholegrain bread and we added lots of onion, celery, and apple to it to give it even more fiber, so it wasn't as bad as it could've been. We had sweet potatoes, which are better for you than white potatoes, and instead of drowning them in marshmallows and maple syrup, we tossed them in olive oil, seasoned them with garlic, cumin, and paprika, and broiled them. We had 2 varieties of cranberry sauce: one was my sister's homemade sauce, which has less sugar than storebought, and the other was a combination of the homemade sauce, crushed pineapple, chopped apples and walnuts, and sugar-free raspberry gelatin. My sister insisted on making mashed potatoes, and unfortunately there's not much you can do to make them better, although she did make them with fat-free milk. So our dinner wasn't as bad as it could be, although we all still ate more than we needed to. And even though dinner wasn't too bad, our Thanksgiving breakfast, which has become a tradition in my family, was filled with dietbusters, even though we tried to make it a little healthier. We had an egg-and-bread strata with sausage (again, we used high-fiber bread), belgian waffles (we used topped them with berries and fat-free Cool Whip instead of syrup), bacon (Canadian instead of regular), hash brown patties, and chocolate-chip quick bread. Well, I enjoyed the food, and I was back on the diet the next day, and now I have just under a month to stay on track and make some headway before the Christmas splurge.

The Lost Week (or Two)

2008-11-15T22:11:00.004-05:00

It's been well over a week since I last blogged, and it's been quite an up-and-down ride. Last week I was menstruating and the hormonal imbalance was wreaking havoc with me. I didn't exercise at all last week, and this week I only went to water aerobics twice. I haven't been to Curves at all in the past two weeks, except last Tuesday to get measured. Remember those maple Wicked Whoopies I had in my freezer? Last Tuesday after blogging I broke down and ate two of them. They hadn't even thawed out completely. I'm surprised I didn't get sick. Then on Saturday we had a birthday party for my dad and I had gingerbread with lots of frosting. This time I did get sick the next day. This past Tuesday I went to a job fair and had a very unsettling interview for a job I really want (planning special events for the local baseball team) and my disappointment in how the interview went made me mildly depressed. I happened to find 2 boxes of Anna's wafer cookies in my closet that I had purchased last year. They were stale by this time, but I ate them anyway. I haven't been writing down what I've been eating. I'd been feeling very unmotivated up to yesterday. The surprising thing is that, even through this whole crazy period, I still managed to have a couple achievements. The first achievement: I have a couple bras that I mail-ordered last year. They didn't fit, but I never got around to returning them. On Tuesday I tried one on, and it actually fit! The second achievement: I finally weighed in on Thursday, and I weighed 377.5 lbs, which is a total weight loss of 27.5 lbs! Imagine where I would be if I hadn't gone crazy over the past ten days. So, in order to get back on track, I've started listening to the Inside Out Weight Loss podcast, and over the next few weeks and months, as I get caught up with the podcast, I will be using this blog to do the exercises (mental exercises, that is) that the presenter, Renee Stephens, recommends. Just from listening to the first episode I can tell that these exercises should help.

Two-Month Update

2008-11-04T21:57:00.003-05:00

Do I look any different yet? I don't see much difference, but then again, it's only been 25 lbs. Here's where I am now:

Monthly Weight and Mesasurements
9/2/2008 11/4/2008 Difference
Weight 405 380 25
Bust 60.5 59 1.5
Waist 60.5 59.5 1
Abdomen 64.5 63 1.5
Hips 64.5 63.5 1
Thigh 32.5 32 0.5
Upper Arm 18 18 0
BMI 61.6 57.8 3.8

So as you can see, I am still making progress, although there are a couple measurements which are not progressing as much as others. My weight, for example: I've been bouncing around the 25-pound mark for the past few weeks. In addition, I regained the half-inch this month that I had lost from my arms and thighs last month. But as you can see, my BMI (Body Mass Index) has gone sown a total of 3.8 points in 2 months. This means that my body is made up of more muscle and less fat than it was 2 months ago, which can help to explain the increased arm and thigh measurements and "stalled" weight loss.

I'm trying to still make good choices, although I am also allowing myself a treat now and then. When I do allow myself a treat, I try to be as sensible as possible about it. For example, my mom and I started a water aerobics class last week at the local Y. During the first class, the instructor told us that there would be a potluck party after the next class, and that we were welcome to come. We made roll-up sandwiches using whole-grain lavash bread, Thin&Trim ham and turkey, low-fat cheese, and greens. Someone brought sweet'n'sour meatballs, someone else brought barbecued chicken wings, and everyone else brought some form of dessert. I had some of the non-dessert items first, and then I thought very carefully about which dessert items I wanted. I had a mini-cupcake, a mini cheesecake, a toffee bar, and a small piece of cinnamon crumbcake (which I liked so much that I had another little piece.) I counted this as my mid-day meal, and had a light dinner, so I really didn't set myself back very much. And I was very good on Halloween, I only had one Reese's cup, and then we brought all the leftover candy to the neighbor's house. I'm hoping that I can continue to be sensible through the upcoming holidays, as I'd like to reach my first mini-goal of 40 lbs. before the end of the year.

The Honeymoon's Over

2008-10-28T21:02:00.004-04:00

OK, so I've been on this diet now for almost 2 months and as of today I've lost 26 lbs., but I'm starting to feel my motivation lessen. I'm not at the point where I'm thinking about giving up, but I find myself thinking about cheating alot. Just the other day I was heading to the hospital to visit my dad, and I was going to stop at Dunkin Donuts to get a coffee for him and Wendy's to get salads for my mom and I for lunch. I was feeling hungry, and I was seriously thinking about getting a jelly donut and french fries to eat on the way to the hospital. I was smart, though -- I had a Laughing Cow light cheese before I left the house so I didn't cheat. So I guess what I need to do now is find some ways to stay motivated. I found a couple podcasts on iTunes that may be helpful. One is called Inside Out Weight Loss and the other is the Nutrition Diva's Quick and Dirty Tips for Eating Well and Feeling Fabulous. I'm also planning to create a motivation journal/scrapbook that I can look through when I need to remember why I'm doing this.

Tune in next week for another measurement update, and don't forget to vote!

A Step in the Right Direction

2008-10-21T22:32:00.002-04:00

I weighed in today at 381 lbs., which puts my total weight loss at 24 lbs. Basically, this puts me back where I was 2 weeks ago. This is what I hate about setbacks: you work hard to lose the weight, then you slip and gain a bit back, and it usually takes longer to lose it again than it did to gain it. On the plus side, I was able to lose 5 lbs this week even with a splurge: Belgian chocolate and cupcakes on Saturday night.

Next week I'll be starting a water aerobics class that will last until the week before Christmas. The class is Mon-Wed-Fri, and I'll go to Curves on Tues-Thurs, so I'll be exercising at least 5 times a week for the next 2 months. This will not only help to jumpstart the weightloss for the next 2 months, it will help me stay on track for most of the holiday season and help me recover easier from splurges.

Only 2 more weeks until my next measurement update!

Slight Stumble

2008-10-15T20:28:00.006-04:00

I know, I promised updates every Tuesday, and here it is Wednesday, and I'm a day late with my update. I was just too tired to get online last night, especially with the Red Sox getting trampled by the Rays in Game 4 of the ALCS. But that's beside the point. Anyway, I did get weighed yesterday, even though I didn't blog, and I weighed in at 385 lbs. I gained 4.5 lbs last week. Bummer! I know why it happened, though. I slipped back into some bad habits last week: I wasn't exercising, I wasn't drinking enough water, and even though I was eating right I was eating late at night because my sleep schedule was all fouled up. I also had a whoopie pie on Saturday. See, I love whoopie pies, and the local grocery store stocks Wicked Whoopies, which are the best whoopie pies in the world. I've been able to resist them so far, but this weekend the store actually had the maple whoopies, which 1. they don't usually have, and 2. are my favorite flavor. So I bought 5, which was all they had. I know that sounds bad, but I didn't eat them all, which is what I would've done before starting this diet (I would've strung the 5 whoopies out over 2 or 3 days, but still.) This time, I ate one, and I really enjoyed it, and then I froze the other 4. So next time I get a craving for a maple whoopie pie I can defrost one and have my little maple moment. So on one hand, I feel that I've progressed in the sense that I was able to have a little splurge without completely blowing my diet. On the other hand, I know that I didn't do as well this week as I could've. So my goals for this week are to drink more water, exercise more often, and get my sleep schedule under control so I'm not eating late at night anymore.

Triumphs of the Past Week

2008-10-07T22:43:00.002-04:00

Triumph #1: I went out to lunch with my best friend this past week. We went to a local Japanese restaurant, and I had miso soup and a bento box with salmon, chicken, and plenty of vegetables. I did not have rice. I actually told the waitress not to even bring my rice (she looked at me like I had two heads.) I believe that the easiest way to avoid temptation is to remove it completely.

Triumph #2: After lunch, we went to the movies. I used to get popcorn smothered in butter, spicy curly fries, and a large blue raspberry slushie. Not very healthy. This time I had absolutely nothing. Of course, we had just eaten a nice, healthy lunch, so I wasn't hungry, and that certainly helped me to avoid giving in to the temptation of the concession stand.

Triumph #3: I've dropped a pant size!

Triumph #4: I lost another 5 lbs. this week, putting my current weight at 380.5 lbs. and my total weight loss so far at 24.5 lbs. That's 10% of what I want to lose. Only 220.5 lbs to go!

First Month Results

2008-10-02T20:38:00.004-04:00

So, it's been a month since I started my new, healthy lifestyle. Here's where I stand now:

9/2/2008 10/2/2008 Difference
Weight 405 385.5 19.5
Bust 60.5 60.5 0
Waist 60.5 60.5 0
Abdomen 64.5 62.75 1.75
Hips 64.5 64 0.5
Thigh 32.5 31.5 1
Upper Arm 18 17.5 0.5
BMI 61.6 58.6 3

I'm not yet seeing much of a difference, either when I look in the mirror or when I compare this picture with my start picture, but I am starting to feel a difference. It's getting easier to move around, and my clothes are fitting better, especially my pants. The best thing so far is the effect losing weight and exercising is having on my knees. Being so heavy for so long, and working many jobs that had me on my feet, has put a great deal of stress on my knees, and I started getting arthritic symptoms in my left knee a couple years ago. But over the past month, my knees have been feeling better and better and have regained some of their strength and flexibility. I can actually walk up the stairs like a normal person now!

Birthday Repercussions

2008-09-30T21:56:00.003-04:00

Well, my birthday was this weekend and I splurged, as I had been planning to do. I had wine with dinner and cake afterwards, and I enjoyed every minute of it. However, it caused me to lose a little ground. I weighed in this morning at 391 lbs., which means I gained back 7 lbs. (some of that weight gain is due to menstrual issues.) So I've gone back on Phase 1 for the next week to undo the damage.

Thursday will be a month since I started, and I'll be getting measured again. I'll post my updated measurements then.

Quick Update

2008-09-23T17:20:00.002-04:00

I've lost 3 more pounds! I weighed in this morning at 384 lbs, for a total loss of 21 lbs. Not bad so far! My weight loss is starting to slow down, which is normal at this stage. Most people show significant weight loss over the first week or two of any diet, but then the weekly weight loss slows to an average of 2 lbs per week. This is normal and also very healthy -- if you lose weight too fast, you're more likely to: 1. lose muscle as well as or instead of fat; and 2. regain that weight much more easily if you go back to an unhealthy diet. So I'm not too worried about my weight loss slowing down. My focus right now will be on continuing to eat properly while doing whatever I can to keep my metabolism up, such as making sure I drink enough water and get enough exercise. I've got a good start under my belt, but there's still a long way to go.

Second Weigh-In and Starting Phase 2

2008-09-16T20:54:00.002-04:00

Two weeks down, and I weighed in this morning at 387 lbs. That means I lost 5 lbs this past week and have lost a total of 18 lbs since starting the diet. I'm almost halfway to my first mini-goal of 40 lbs! Today is also the first day of Phase 2, which means I can start eating fruit, yogurt, and grain products again. Yay! I celebrated by stopping at the farm on the way home from Curves and buying myself a nice, juicy, sweet-tart Honey Crisp apple. And we're having raspberries for dessert. The trick with Phase 2 is to re-introduce fruits and grains a little at a time, and to only eat fruits that are lower in sugar and higher in fiber, and whole grains that are high in fiber and protein. I figure I'll start by adding in 2 servings of carbs a day, probably 1 serving of fruit as a snack and 1 serving of grains with dinner (I'm having 2 servings of fruit today because I didn't have any grain.) I can increase the amounts later if I want, as long as I continue to lose weight. If the weight loss stalls, then I'll know I have to cut back a little. I can also go back in Phase 1 from time to time if I need a weight-loss boost, such as when I hit a plateau (this always happens eventually) or if I plan a splurge, like on my birthday. That flexibility is one of the things I like about South Beach.

How to Eat Well While Dieting (Recipes Included)

2008-09-14T19:57:00.005-04:00

My time on Phase 1 of the South Beach Diet is almost over. For those of you not familiar with South Beach, Phase 1 is the strictest phase of the diet: no fruit, no grain products of any kind (including rice, pasta, bread, cereals, or anything made with flour), no dairy products other than low-fat cheese (although I have been drinking a little milk every day, I can't live without milk), no real sugar or syrups of any kind, and no starchy or sugary vegetables such as corn, potatoes, or carrots. So, what is allowed on Phase 1? Low-fat proteins such as chicken, turkey, fish, lean cuts of pork and beef, and eggs; low-fat cheeses; legumes (while legumes are high in total carbs, most of those carbs are dietary fiber, which makes the net carb load of legumes very low); most vegetables (other than the afore-mentioned starchy/sugary veggies); and healthy oils such as olive oil. Sounds a little boring, doesn't it? The trick is to be as creative as possible with the ingredients which you are allowed. Thankfully, herbs and spices are free and can be used whenever you want. So it's not really as bad as it sounds. I've been researching recipes and turning to other cultures for culinary inspiration (my World of the East Vegetarian Cookbook by Madhur Jaffrey has been a treasure trove!) and occasionally I've thrown something together that ended up being really tasty. Here are a few of the recipes I've come up with:

Seasoned Grilled Veggies

2 large or 3 small zucchini
2 large or 3 small summer squash
1 lb whole mushrooms (button or baby bella)
1 large sweet onion
olive oil
garlic powder
mixed Italian herb seasoning

Wash and cut up the zucchini and summer squash into 1-inch pieces. Clean the mushrooms and halve or quarter them, depending on size. Peel the onion and cut into chunks. Put the cut vegetables into a large plastic container. Add just enough olive oil to coat the veggies and season to taste with the garlic powder and Italian seasoning. Heat a grill wok over a gas or charcoal grill. Spray the wok with non-stick spray, add the veggies, and allow them to cook, stirring occasionally, until the squash is tender but not mushy. NOTE: if you do not have a grill wok or some other way of cooking cut veggies on the grill, you could saute the veggies on the stove or roast them in the oven under the broiler.

Chickpea and Artichoke Salad

1 large can chickpeas, drained and rinsed (Cannelini beans could also be used)
1 can artichoke hearts, drained and chopped
1 bunch scallions, thinly sliced
1 red or orange sweet pepper, coarsely chopped
1/4 cup olive oil
1/4 cup wine vinegar (red or white)
mixed Italian herb seasoning
salt (optional)
honey (optional)

Combine chickpeas (or Cannelini beans) and veggies. Mix together the oil and vinegar and season to taste with the Italian seasoning and salt (I usually use about 1/2 tsp of the seasoning and a dash of salt); if the dressing is too sharp, add a little honey to mellow the flavor (no more than 1/4 tsp.) Pour the dressing over the beans and veggies and mix well (you may not need all the dressing -- store any unused dressing in a container in the fridge.) Salad may be eaten as is, but for a real taste treat, try this: Rinse and dry a large, crisp, Romaine leaf. Spread 1 wedge of Laughing Cow Light Garlic & Herb cheese on the Romaine and top with 1/2 cup of the salad.

Quick Spinach Egg-Drop Soup

1 can light chicken or vegetable broth
1 generous handful of fresh spinach, washed & trimmed (chop it if you feel the need to do so)
1 or 2 eggs, beaten, or an equivalent amount of egg substitute

Combine the broth and spinach in a saucepan and cook until the broth is heated through. Just before serving, stir in the beaten egg and cook for approximately 30 seconds. NOTE: For a heartier version, break up 1 package of Ramen noodles and cook them in the broth with the spinach (throw away the seasoning packet from the noodles -- Ramen noodle seasonings are loaded with sodium!) Add the eggs once the noodles are done. This version is not South Beach friendly, but it's very nice when you have a cold.

Roasted Garlic Beans

1 tbsp olive oil
1 large onion, chopped
1 can Great Northern beans (or any other small white beans), drained but not rinsed
1 cup light chicken or vegetable broth
1-2 tbsp roasted garlic puree
mixed Italian herb seasoning
salt (optional)
red pepper flakes (optional)

In a heavy skillet, heat the olive oil over medium-high heat and saute the onion until soft. Add the beans, broth, and roasted garlic puree. Allow the liquid to boil, then reduce the heat and simmer until the liquid is reduced. Season to taste with the Italian herbs and salt; for a little kick, add red pepper flakes.

First Weigh-In (Drumroll Please!)

2008-09-09T19:15:00.004-04:00

So, the first week of my diet is over. I weighed in this morning at 392 lbs, a loss of 13 lbs! Yay! What a great start! I know that my weekly weight loss will start to slow down now and I still have a long way to go, but it's very heartening to see that I am making progress in the right direction.

I feel like I've eaten very well this first week and I haven't really felt deprived at all. That's one of the reasons I like the South Beach diet -- even though the list of "allowed" foods is relatively small (especially on Phase 1), you can pretty much eat your fill of them, especially vegetables and legumes. I've been trying to find new and interesting ways to prepare these foods, whether it's seasoning summer squash with garlic and grilling it, or sauteing eggplant and onions in curry powder, or cooking lentils and spinach together with cumin. I even made a salad of chickpeas, artichoke hearts, red pepper, and green onions which I ate in lettuce leaves with some garlic & herb soft cheese. Yum! I really love food (how else could I have reached 405 lbs?) and being able to eat well while dieting will definitely help me stick with it longer and NOT CHEAT (cheating is one of the two main things that has sidetracked all my previous diets; lack of willpower was the other. Wait, aren't they pretty much the same thing?) Don't get me wrong, I'm not claiming that I will be a saint. Nobody could deny themselves indefinitely. I will splurge from time to time, but this time when I splurge I will plan my splurges and then get right back on the eating plan. For example, my birthday is coming up at the end of the month, and I am going to have cake on my birthday. I will eat right for the rest of the day, I will have my cake, I will send any leftover cake home with my sister and brother-in-law so it won't be in the house (very important detail), and the next day I will go back on Phase 1 for a week to counteract any damage. See? I can totally do this. ;-)

Water, Water Everywhere

2008-09-04T19:42:00.004-04:00

TMI Alert: This post is about bodily functions. Those who are squeamish may wish to skip it.

As most of you probably know, one of the basics tenets of any weight-loss program is to drink lots of water. The general rule for good health is to drink six to eight 8-ounce glasses a day. That works out to between 48 and 64 ounces. That's just for a normal, healthy person to stay properly hydrated. For weight loss purposes, you need to increase your water intake. I've seen different recommendations in different books, including one book which said that you should drink as many ounces of water each day as half your weight in pounds. So let's see, I currently weigh 405 lbs, so I should be drinking 202.5 ounces of water daily? I don't think so. Over the past couple of days I've averaged 140 ounces a day, which means I'm peeing at least once an hour, if not more often (this morning I peed five times in the first four hours I was awake.) It also means that I can't sleep through the night as I'm getting up to pee every two to three hours. The fact that my blood pressure medication contains a diuretic doesn't help matters any. If I'm peeing this much on 140 ounces a day, I can only imagine what would happen if I was drinking 200 ounces -- I'd probably never get out of the bathroom! Well, that's all for now -- I have to go pee again!

We Have Liftoff!

2008-09-02T21:47:00.001-04:00

So today I started my diet and exercise program. I suppose it would be more correct to say that I restarted, as I've been on diets and exercise programs before, I just never stuck with either long enough to make much of a difference. This time, however, I am determined to succeed. Here's what you need to know as I start my journey:

Where I Am Now

To the left you see my lovely "before" picture. (To those of you who think I should be smiling: I smiled in the picture that was taken before this one. It looked really goofy.) Here are my current stats:

Weight: 405 lbs; Bust: 60.5 inches; Waist: 60.5 inches; Abdomen: 64.5 inches; Hips: 64.5 inches; Thigh: 32.5 inches; Upper Arm: 18 inches; Body Mass Index (BMI): 61.6.

Weight will be updated every Tuesday, body measurements and BMI will be updated on a monthly basis.

Where I Want To Be

According to those charts that tell you what your ideal weight should be based on your height and gender, my ideal weight is 130 lbs. Highly unlikely. I think the last time I weighed 130 was when I was in 6th grade. So I'm setting my ultimate goal weight at 160 lbs, which is definitely doable. So that means I have to lose 245 lbs all told. However, I'm going to set mini-goals for myself (after all, 245 lbs is a very big number) of 40 lbs at a time -- 10% of my current weight.

How I'm Going To Get There

I am following the South Beach Diet eating plan and will be adding some of the nutritional and lifestyle concepts of the Fiber35 Diet (supplements, metabolism boosts, detoxing.) I am also following the Curves Smart fitness plan. This week I am also doing an herbal cleansing detox to give me a bit of a boost.

Why I Am Doing This

This section is as much for myself as for everyone else: at some point in every diet, there comes a time when I'll get frustrated and will need a reminder of why I'm working so hard at losing weight when it's so much easier, and usually more pleasurable, to dive face-first into a chocolate cake. At that point, I can come back here and read this list.

I am trying to lose weight because:

I want to get healthy
I want to travel more, but it's difficult to fit in an airplane at this size; also, when I do travel, I want to be able to walk around and explore the sights
I want to be able to go to the movies, a show, or a concert without worrying whether I'll fit in the theater seat
clothes shopping will be much easier when I'm a smaller size
if I don't do it now, it will just keep getting harder to do

So I guess that's it for now. Check back for regular updates, and keep me in your thoughts!

The Diet Starts Tomorrow

2008-09-01T22:30:00.002-04:00

So I'm starting on the South Beach Diet tomorrow. I did South Becah once before and it worked pretty well; this time I intend to stick with it until I've actually reached my goal. I'm also adding in some of the ideas from the Fiber35 Diet and I'll be going to Curves regularly. I'll post updates here on this blog. Wish me luck!