Yesterday, while riding in the car, I happened to see a red-tailed hawk soaring majestically over one of the local cornfields. Now, where I live is rural enough that I'm no stranger to seeing wildlife in all forms: we've had everything in the yard from chipmunks, squirrels, and foxes to deer, coyotes, and black bears; avian visitors have included the occasional hawk, barred owl, and flock of wild turkeys along with the more commonplace blue jays, crows, and woodpeckers. In fact, a red-tailed hawk dive-bombed me in my car once, and only just managed to avoid becoming a hood ornament. But as I watched the hawk yesterday, I learned a valuable lesson about life. The hawk, as I said, was gliding over the cornfield, when I noticed that he had just extended his talons. If you're familiar at all with the flight of raptors (or birds in general, for that matter), you'll know that they tuck their talons under their bodies while in flight to minimize wind resistance. So the act of this hawk extending his talons in flight, while being something I had not seen before, told me that he was homing in on dinner. Sure enough, he went into a dive. But his prey must have figured out what was about to happen and bolted, because halfway into his dive the hawk tucked his talons back under, regained altitude, and flew off to the woods on the other side of the field.
So, what sort of life lesson did I learn from this? After all, the hawk was just trying to find some dinner, and he failed to do so. What can one learn from that? Well, as the Rolling Stones once said, "You can't always get what you want." What this hawk taught me is that, when you don't get what you want, the best thing to do is simply move on with your life. When Mr. Tasty Tidbit escaped and the hawk came up empty-taloned, did the hawk throw an aerial tantrum and whine and scream about how unfair life is? Did he spend the next hour (or day, or week, or month, or year) of his life lamenting his failure and saying "If only?" No, he simply regained his altitude and momentum, and moved on. Oh, I'm sure that for a split second, the hawk equivalent of an f-bomb crossed his mind, but the important thing is that he did not allow regret to linger. Now, I know that, as humans, our lives are a bit more complicated than our friend the hawk's life is, and we are much more prone to letting our disappointments rule our lives than a hawk would be. And yes, grieving is an appropriate emotional response to loss, especially when the loss is momentous and earth-shattering; trying to move on from a significant loss without taking the proper time to grieve is practically impossible and can lead to disastrous results, and I would no sooner try to rush someone through the grieving process than I would tap-dance in church wearing stiletto heels and a thong. But there comes a time when "grieving" becomes "wallowing," and that is when the lesson of the hawk comes into play. This lesson also teaches the element of perspective: grieving when a loved one dies, or taking time to come to terms with a significant life-change such as job loss or chronic illness is appropriate; throwing a tantrum and/or wallowing in misery when you break a nail, or blow a tire, or you can't use two coupons because the policy clearly states "one per customer per day" is just a stupid waste of time and energy.
Thank you, Mr. Hawk, for helping us out on our journey to enlightenment. I wish you good hunting, and may the wind be ever at your tail.
Getting Back Into the Habit
You know the funny thing about therapy? When you go see someone once a week to talk about all the stuff that's bothering you, you end up not having any material to blog about. That's my story and I'm sticking to it! :-)
Seriously, though, it has now been over a year since I last posted, and I could make a number of different excuses as to why I haven't taken (or made) the time to do so. I feel like I really should give this another shot. After all, sometimes it's nice to be able to get these thoughts out of my head, rather than just leaving them to swirl around in my admittedly over-full (and increasingly forgetful) brain. So I will try to post on a regular basis again. Who knows? It might end up helping me as much as (or more than) therapy did!
Seriously, though, it has now been over a year since I last posted, and I could make a number of different excuses as to why I haven't taken (or made) the time to do so. I feel like I really should give this another shot. After all, sometimes it's nice to be able to get these thoughts out of my head, rather than just leaving them to swirl around in my admittedly over-full (and increasingly forgetful) brain. So I will try to post on a regular basis again. Who knows? It might end up helping me as much as (or more than) therapy did!
Apathetic Voters for a Better Candidate
Hi, my name is Anne and I'm an Apathetic Voter (Hi, Anne). I have a confession to make: I did not vote in today's election. In the 16 years since I became eligible to vote, I've probably missed a couple of minor elections because I forgot to go, but this is the first time that I deliberately chose not to go. I've just gotten so disgusted with politics and politicians that it makes me ill to think about it for too long.
I tried to convince myself to vote today, I really did. I told myself that being able to vote is not only a right but a privilege; I reminded myself how hard my foremothers fought to win me that right; I reminded myself that there are millions of people around the world who do not have that right and probably won't win the right to do so during their lifetimes. But none of these arguments were stronger than the realization that there are absolutely no politicians worth voting for! Not a single one. It seems completely worthless to me to vote when there's no one you really want to vote for. It doesn't even come down to voting for the lesser of two evils, since all the politicians on the ballot are equally bad in their own special way.
Let's face it: there isn't a single politician out there who honestly cares one iota for the "little people" like you and me. Oh, they'll tell us continuously that they do care about us and our problems, but that's only so we'll be fooled into voting for them. But when it comes right down to it, no matter what they say during the campaign, as soon as they're elected they'll pursue their own agenda. They'll vote to give themselves raises, they'll do whatever they need to do to please the corporate bigwigs who paid for their campaigns, and they'll argue endlessly with each other to avoid making any real decisions or to prevent the passage of any legislation that might actually make a difference to you or me.Is there a single politician out there who gives a damn that the State of New Hampshire screwed me out of almost $9000 in unemployment two years ago? Of course not. Is there a single politician out there who cares that I'm in debt to the U.S. government for twice as much as my annual income just so I can pursue a degree? Nope. Is there a single politician out there who cares that I am a recovering cancer patient who has no health insurance? Not at all. The only way any politician would ever care about me, my life, and my struggles would be if I was rich enough to fund his or her campaign. And frankly, until a politician comes along who honestly cares about me and my issues, I'm going to find it extremely difficult to talk myself into exercising my civic responsibility.
My name is Anne and I approve this message.
I tried to convince myself to vote today, I really did. I told myself that being able to vote is not only a right but a privilege; I reminded myself how hard my foremothers fought to win me that right; I reminded myself that there are millions of people around the world who do not have that right and probably won't win the right to do so during their lifetimes. But none of these arguments were stronger than the realization that there are absolutely no politicians worth voting for! Not a single one. It seems completely worthless to me to vote when there's no one you really want to vote for. It doesn't even come down to voting for the lesser of two evils, since all the politicians on the ballot are equally bad in their own special way.
Let's face it: there isn't a single politician out there who honestly cares one iota for the "little people" like you and me. Oh, they'll tell us continuously that they do care about us and our problems, but that's only so we'll be fooled into voting for them. But when it comes right down to it, no matter what they say during the campaign, as soon as they're elected they'll pursue their own agenda. They'll vote to give themselves raises, they'll do whatever they need to do to please the corporate bigwigs who paid for their campaigns, and they'll argue endlessly with each other to avoid making any real decisions or to prevent the passage of any legislation that might actually make a difference to you or me.Is there a single politician out there who gives a damn that the State of New Hampshire screwed me out of almost $9000 in unemployment two years ago? Of course not. Is there a single politician out there who cares that I'm in debt to the U.S. government for twice as much as my annual income just so I can pursue a degree? Nope. Is there a single politician out there who cares that I am a recovering cancer patient who has no health insurance? Not at all. The only way any politician would ever care about me, my life, and my struggles would be if I was rich enough to fund his or her campaign. And frankly, until a politician comes along who honestly cares about me and my issues, I'm going to find it extremely difficult to talk myself into exercising my civic responsibility.
My name is Anne and I approve this message.
Maybe I'm Crazy
I've begun to seriously worry about my mental health. There have been several times in my life when I've casually thought that I could possibly be insane, but it was a thought that was never taken seriously or pursued in any way. Recently, however, I've had more reason to take that thought seriously.
I'm currently taking a sociology course, and during the second week of the course we were going through an overview of psychology and some of the more common psychological conditions. As I was reading through the symptoms and diagnostic criteria for some of these conditions, I felt like I was looking into a mirror and seeing myself clearly for the first time in my life. Depression? Yup, there I am. Post-traumatic stress disorder? Hey, there I am again! Bipolar disorder? Certainly looks like me. Compulsive eating disorder? Wow, I'm there, too. What's happening here? Is there a really screwed-up person who looks and acts exactly like me somewhere? Yes, there is, and she's sitting right here in my chair typing these words.
How could I not know that I have so many issues? How could I not know just how screwed up I really am? My guess is that, when you're screwed up from childhood, you think that you're normal simply because you have no other benchmark to compare yourself to. And yes, I probably have had some or all of these issues since my childhood, though that may be hard for some of you who know me to believe. It seems that I learned very early in life to hide myself behind a mask of happiness and normalcy, but over the past year or so that mask has been crumbling little by little, and it's getting harder every day to hide behind it. Which is probably a good thing, as it's forcing me to deal with these issues which I have pushed aside and allowed to fester for most of my life.
I'm currently taking a sociology course, and during the second week of the course we were going through an overview of psychology and some of the more common psychological conditions. As I was reading through the symptoms and diagnostic criteria for some of these conditions, I felt like I was looking into a mirror and seeing myself clearly for the first time in my life. Depression? Yup, there I am. Post-traumatic stress disorder? Hey, there I am again! Bipolar disorder? Certainly looks like me. Compulsive eating disorder? Wow, I'm there, too. What's happening here? Is there a really screwed-up person who looks and acts exactly like me somewhere? Yes, there is, and she's sitting right here in my chair typing these words.
How could I not know that I have so many issues? How could I not know just how screwed up I really am? My guess is that, when you're screwed up from childhood, you think that you're normal simply because you have no other benchmark to compare yourself to. And yes, I probably have had some or all of these issues since my childhood, though that may be hard for some of you who know me to believe. It seems that I learned very early in life to hide myself behind a mask of happiness and normalcy, but over the past year or so that mask has been crumbling little by little, and it's getting harder every day to hide behind it. Which is probably a good thing, as it's forcing me to deal with these issues which I have pushed aside and allowed to fester for most of my life.
Today's Youth, or Why I Fear For Our Future
I don't want to put down all teenagers and make unfair generalizations about them, but unfortunately, it's very rare that I meet a teenager who doesn't say or do something that makes me cringe in fear for the future of our country. I still remember the time, a few years ago, when two air-headed teenaged girls came in to the bookstore where I used to work and asked for a certain edition of a certain Shakespearean play that they needed for school. I knew that we had sold out of it earlier that day -- whenever the local schools assigned any book we sold out of that book within a couple days -- so I informed the girls that we were out of the book but could order it and have it in the store within a week. They replied, "No, thanks, we don't really care that much about English class," and then left the store. One of my coworkers had witnessed the exchange, and she and I just looked at each other in stunned silence, but I know we were both thinking, "Did they really say that? In public? In a bookstore?" Earlier today I found another paragon of teenage common sense at the local grocery store. I had a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for an item, so I picked up 2 of the specified items and headed to the express lane. As you've probably already surmised, I work in retail and have done so for several years (more years than I really care to admit, especially to myself) and I know that, with most register systems, coupons are pretty much idiot-proof: you scan the coupon's barcode and the register adjusts the cost as required. But apparently, processing the B1G1 coupon that I had was an activity that was beyond the capabilities of the teenaged girl who rang me up. She scanned the items, she scanned the coupon, and then looked at the register (which had just beeped angrily at her) in a very confused way. She scanned the coupon again, and the register beeped at her angrily once more. Not particularly surprising, that; after all, as my former Weight Watchers group leader was fond of saying, "If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got." However, it was obvious that this girl had never heard that particular bit of advice, because she scanned the coupon again. Guess what happened this time? You're right -- the register beeped angrily at her! She gave me an exasperated look and asked, "Did you notice how much these were?" I replied, "No, I didn't, but according to that, they're 79 cents each," as I directed her attention to the monitor just behind her head, on which the items I was in the process of purchasing were itemized, along with their prices. And so now I must ask of today's teenagers: Is it really that hard to think? Is it really that hard to take notice of your surroundings and process the information presented to you without having it handed to you on a platter? If you can't handle something as simple as that, how will you be able to handle Life After High School? And what will you do when running the country becomes your responsibility? I can only hope that these three teenagers, and the countless others just like them, go off to college and get metaphorically whipped into shape by a few good teachers. Otherwise, we're all doomed.
The Great Religion Debate; or, "My imaginary friend is better than yours!"
I'm a very spiritual person, but I'm not particularly religious. Some people may not realize that those terms can be mutually exclusive, but in my case they certainly are. I do believe in a higher power (or a great spirit, or a supreme being, however you may choose to anthropomorphize it), but I vehemently resist whenever other people tell me how I should worship that power/spirit/being. After all, they're not living my life, and they have no knowledge of my relationship with divinity, how can they tell me that what I'm doing is wrong? For all that, how can they know that what they're doing is right? I will worship as I choose, thank you very much, but as long as you can respect my spiritual path, I will respect yours, and we'll get along with no problems.
The issue here is the whole "respect" thing. People who follow very traditional religions seem to have a hard time understanding and respecting someone like me who pretty much does whatever I please in the name of spirituality. Perhaps I should take a moment to clarify a few things about my spiritual beliefs. I mentioned that yes, I do believe in a higher power; in my life, that power has taken the form of the Goddess, so I walk a very feminist-based, New Age kinda path. I consider myself an eclectic Pagan, mainly because there really is no better term: I pick and choose beliefs and rituals from a number of different spiritual backgrounds and somehow combine them into a system that works for me. I'm into natural healing, yoga, mehndi, meditation, and divination; I'm a witch but not a Wiccan; I've studied Kabbalah and Kahuna, and learned the sacred dances of Native Americans, West Africans, and the Middle East; I'm of European descent but I mainly work with goddesses from Egypt, India, the Caribbean and the South Pacific. Oh, and I pretty much do all this on my own, although I have been known to participate in public Pagan rituals and even occasionally attend the local Unitarian-Universalist church. That's basically what's meant by eclectic: if I run across a belief or spiritual practice that makes sense to me, it gets added to the roster and becomes part of my path.
Back when I was in my twenties, I was an angry Pagan. I had very little respect for people who followed traditional religions, even though I demanded that those same people respect my spiritual choices. I hadn't yet realized that respect is a two-way street. Fortunately for my spiritual evolution, a close friend pointed this out to me and I realized it was something I had to work on. A few years ago, I was working with a young man who was the same type of angry Pagan that I had been, and that helped me to realize even more that I didn't want to be that type of person. So I'm trying to be more respectful, and I think I've made some progress. I'm realizing that there is value in all the traditional religions, and I've come to believe that all spiritual paths lead to the same place, even if they take a different route. I've even come to believe that all the various deities, angels, elementals, etc., are simply different aspects of the same divine being, and that being chooses which face to show to each person based on what that person needs to learn in their lifetime and what they have already learned. So Buddha, Christ, Yahweh, Jehovah, Allah, Amaterasu, Isis, Tara, Sophia, Kali, Ganesha, they're all the same, they just take different forms and teach us different things. I understand this, and several people I know, who are also progressive in their spiritual beliefs, tend to agree with me on this. However, when I try to explain this to people who follow more traditional religions, they think I'm crazy, or misinformed, or blasphemous, or a poor lost sheep who needs to be saved, or an evil creature who will burn in hell for all eternity. Sometimes I wonder whether the fact that some people understand this means that those people are further along the path to enlightenment than those who don't, but then I worry that I might be letting arrogance lead me astray from the path.
One of my oldest friends, J., is a born-again Christian. We were both raised as Catholics, but as we grew up we (obviously) went in very different directions spiritually. This has caused a bit of tension in our friendship from time to time. Several years ago, when she had just been born again and I was still an angry Pagan, she tried the "I can't be friends with you anymore unless you accept Jesus as your lord and savior" tactic on me. It didn't work the way she expected it to work, as I am still a Goddess worshipper and we are still somehow friends. But it did add an uncomfortable undercurrent of wariness to our relationship: she couldn't accept or respect my spiritual choices and tended to treat me like a wayward child, and I resented the fact that she couldn't accept and respect my choices. Things settled down between us after that, mainly because of a tacit agreement to just not discuss religion and spirituality, but things came to a head a few weeks ago. Our mutual friend, E., has been going through a separation from her husband this year; J. insists that E.'s husband left her because Satan influenced him to do so, but I think that using Satan as an excuse for bad behavior is a total cop-out. Doing so allows the person to completely avoid taking responsibility for their behavior. I said that to J. one time when we were chatting about the situation, and she replied very condescendingly that I don't understand because I don't read scripture. Double, double, toil and trouble, rage burn and emotion bubble. I bit back the urge to bite off J.'s head and told her not to start that with me. I told her that just because I walk a different path than she does doesn't mean that I'm a lost soul who needs to be saved. She replied, still in that condescending tone, "That's OK, I'll pray for you." Ooh, that got me so mad! That's one of the things I hate the most, when a Christian tells you that they'll pray for you. It's one thing if you're going through a difficult time and you ask a Christian friend for help and they say that, because they truly believe that doing so will help you through. It's a very different thing, however, when you're just minding your own business and they say that, meaning that they think you're a sinner and they'll intercede with God on your behalf in an attempt to save your mortal soul from eternal damnation. So I asked J. why she thought I needed her prayers. Am I a bad person? Am I an evil person? Or am I stupid? Just because I don't follow the same spiritual path that she does? She got very flustered when I asked her that. I explained to her once again that I am walking the path that Spirit wants me to walk, and it doesn't matter whether or not she approves of my choices. She was quiet for a moment, and then she said "I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree." Hallelujah! She finally got it. We'll see if it sticks.
The issue here is the whole "respect" thing. People who follow very traditional religions seem to have a hard time understanding and respecting someone like me who pretty much does whatever I please in the name of spirituality. Perhaps I should take a moment to clarify a few things about my spiritual beliefs. I mentioned that yes, I do believe in a higher power; in my life, that power has taken the form of the Goddess, so I walk a very feminist-based, New Age kinda path. I consider myself an eclectic Pagan, mainly because there really is no better term: I pick and choose beliefs and rituals from a number of different spiritual backgrounds and somehow combine them into a system that works for me. I'm into natural healing, yoga, mehndi, meditation, and divination; I'm a witch but not a Wiccan; I've studied Kabbalah and Kahuna, and learned the sacred dances of Native Americans, West Africans, and the Middle East; I'm of European descent but I mainly work with goddesses from Egypt, India, the Caribbean and the South Pacific. Oh, and I pretty much do all this on my own, although I have been known to participate in public Pagan rituals and even occasionally attend the local Unitarian-Universalist church. That's basically what's meant by eclectic: if I run across a belief or spiritual practice that makes sense to me, it gets added to the roster and becomes part of my path.
Back when I was in my twenties, I was an angry Pagan. I had very little respect for people who followed traditional religions, even though I demanded that those same people respect my spiritual choices. I hadn't yet realized that respect is a two-way street. Fortunately for my spiritual evolution, a close friend pointed this out to me and I realized it was something I had to work on. A few years ago, I was working with a young man who was the same type of angry Pagan that I had been, and that helped me to realize even more that I didn't want to be that type of person. So I'm trying to be more respectful, and I think I've made some progress. I'm realizing that there is value in all the traditional religions, and I've come to believe that all spiritual paths lead to the same place, even if they take a different route. I've even come to believe that all the various deities, angels, elementals, etc., are simply different aspects of the same divine being, and that being chooses which face to show to each person based on what that person needs to learn in their lifetime and what they have already learned. So Buddha, Christ, Yahweh, Jehovah, Allah, Amaterasu, Isis, Tara, Sophia, Kali, Ganesha, they're all the same, they just take different forms and teach us different things. I understand this, and several people I know, who are also progressive in their spiritual beliefs, tend to agree with me on this. However, when I try to explain this to people who follow more traditional religions, they think I'm crazy, or misinformed, or blasphemous, or a poor lost sheep who needs to be saved, or an evil creature who will burn in hell for all eternity. Sometimes I wonder whether the fact that some people understand this means that those people are further along the path to enlightenment than those who don't, but then I worry that I might be letting arrogance lead me astray from the path.
One of my oldest friends, J., is a born-again Christian. We were both raised as Catholics, but as we grew up we (obviously) went in very different directions spiritually. This has caused a bit of tension in our friendship from time to time. Several years ago, when she had just been born again and I was still an angry Pagan, she tried the "I can't be friends with you anymore unless you accept Jesus as your lord and savior" tactic on me. It didn't work the way she expected it to work, as I am still a Goddess worshipper and we are still somehow friends. But it did add an uncomfortable undercurrent of wariness to our relationship: she couldn't accept or respect my spiritual choices and tended to treat me like a wayward child, and I resented the fact that she couldn't accept and respect my choices. Things settled down between us after that, mainly because of a tacit agreement to just not discuss religion and spirituality, but things came to a head a few weeks ago. Our mutual friend, E., has been going through a separation from her husband this year; J. insists that E.'s husband left her because Satan influenced him to do so, but I think that using Satan as an excuse for bad behavior is a total cop-out. Doing so allows the person to completely avoid taking responsibility for their behavior. I said that to J. one time when we were chatting about the situation, and she replied very condescendingly that I don't understand because I don't read scripture. Double, double, toil and trouble, rage burn and emotion bubble. I bit back the urge to bite off J.'s head and told her not to start that with me. I told her that just because I walk a different path than she does doesn't mean that I'm a lost soul who needs to be saved. She replied, still in that condescending tone, "That's OK, I'll pray for you." Ooh, that got me so mad! That's one of the things I hate the most, when a Christian tells you that they'll pray for you. It's one thing if you're going through a difficult time and you ask a Christian friend for help and they say that, because they truly believe that doing so will help you through. It's a very different thing, however, when you're just minding your own business and they say that, meaning that they think you're a sinner and they'll intercede with God on your behalf in an attempt to save your mortal soul from eternal damnation. So I asked J. why she thought I needed her prayers. Am I a bad person? Am I an evil person? Or am I stupid? Just because I don't follow the same spiritual path that she does? She got very flustered when I asked her that. I explained to her once again that I am walking the path that Spirit wants me to walk, and it doesn't matter whether or not she approves of my choices. She was quiet for a moment, and then she said "I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree." Hallelujah! She finally got it. We'll see if it sticks.
Repurposing (not really a word, I know, but I'm going with it.)
Those of you have read my blog in the past have probably noticed that it now has a new title and purpose. I want you all to know that I am not giving up on my weight loss and fitness goals (even though I have gotten severely sidetracked over the past few months), I just felt the need to expand my blog so I can write about more than just my weight loss and fitness goals (especially as it's been very difficult to write about those during this period of being sidetracked). On top of being sidetracked by school, work, and general stress, I've recently realized that my weight issues (as well as a few other psychological and emotional issues) are a direct result of trauma that I suffered as a child but never properly dealt with, and in order successfully reach my weight loss goals, I will need to first deal with and heal from that trauma. No, I will not go into detail about it here (I don't want this to degenerate into some sort of "I'm a victim, pity me" thing), and please don't ask me about it -- those who I want to know about it have already been told. I'm not giving up on my weight loss goals, I'm just approaching the situation from a different direction right now.
I feel that the true purpose of all people on earth is to seek spiritual enlightenment, and I think the best way to do so is to improve yourself. I have been working on improving myself for several years now, and I feel that I have made some progress, but I recognize the fact that I am an imperfect person and I do stumble... a lot. I get lazy, I get arrogant, and sometimes I not only stumble off the path to enlightenment, I get stuck in the mud beside the path and wallow for weeks or months at a time. But I try, and that's the important thing. I thought that repurposing my blog would allow me to write about my experiences (good and bad) on the road to enlightenment, and that writing about things that happen to me might help me to understand, life better, or at the very least, allow me to blow off steam and move on from upsetting situations. And maybe, just maybe, we'll all have a little fun along the way.
I feel that the true purpose of all people on earth is to seek spiritual enlightenment, and I think the best way to do so is to improve yourself. I have been working on improving myself for several years now, and I feel that I have made some progress, but I recognize the fact that I am an imperfect person and I do stumble... a lot. I get lazy, I get arrogant, and sometimes I not only stumble off the path to enlightenment, I get stuck in the mud beside the path and wallow for weeks or months at a time. But I try, and that's the important thing. I thought that repurposing my blog would allow me to write about my experiences (good and bad) on the road to enlightenment, and that writing about things that happen to me might help me to understand, life better, or at the very least, allow me to blow off steam and move on from upsetting situations. And maybe, just maybe, we'll all have a little fun along the way.
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